What’s Been Going On..

Hello All!!  I am writing you from my bed where Emma is currently rolling about in her sleep, and I am here trying to edit my blog with a super dimmed laptop praying I don't wake a baby, you know the rules never wake a sleeping baby.  I realized I haven't posted since New Years so lets dive into what's been going on.  I am going to be honest with you, not a whole lot has been happening. Last year as you know I had little baby Emma and since then i have not been working, so Chris picked up a second full time job so that I can continue to be here with the kids since we have no one to watch them and well day care is stupid expensive.So that has had its ups and downs. Olivia is almost done with pre-school and will be starting school again in the fall so I am of course super emotional about that. She's getting so big and I feel like i just pushed her out of my vagina. Emma has turned one, and started her toddler milestones, you know being super cute but also whining and crying about not getting her way, ugh you've got to love it right?! I'd love to say that's the summary but for the sake of being honest with you (since that's what my blog space is about) I'll tell you what's been going on with me. I have been depressed. Deep, dark, down, depressed. Last September I took a break from all Social Media for a couple months because of my depression, I seeked therapy (which I already had to deal with the domestic abuse I had suffered years ago) I hadn't seen my therapist in over a year when I started going back. My insurance didn't cover her so I stopped going. I slowly stated feeling better so I returned to my regular scheduled programming, social media, etc. At this time I was not honest with myself, my depression wasn't gone, I was not healed. I brushed how I was feeling under the rug and went about life.  Now I've dealt with depression for a while, I just thought It was being down though, I was never talked to about depression, or what to do if you're feeling down and can't get yourself out. It got really bad after I finally got out of my abusive relationship, I was doing well! But, motherhood came, then relationship issues, the family issues, then no support, the money issues, hating my job, ahhh, I cracked. That was leading uo to last year. I brushed and brushed and brushed, my rug got too dirty. I started to clean it but i just made room to brush and brush and brush. Which brings me to now. Thanks for sticking with my comparison by the way.  At the beginning of April I noticed I wasn't feeling like me. I was sad, a lot. which was weird because I kind of felt okay, just off. I was working out, enjoying my kids, enjoying my husband, but I wasn't all there. Every fun moment, every laugh, it wasn't natural, it was as if I was forcing it. I was easily angered, noise bothered me, I was tired, I just couldn't deal. (all these things are still true btw.) Ah, but still I brushed, until one night. I talk to Chris, crying, unable to clearly get out any words. I Need Help. Im crying to him so scared to tell him how I'm feeling. Babe, I don't know how to tell you this, I thought about not being here anymore, what do you mean he asks? I thought about killing myself. Tears don't stop. Chris was so supportive, he just talked to me, well he asks, do you feel like it now? or was it a passing thought? What brought it on? are you okay? what do you need me to do?  It  was a passing thought, that night, and many days after. I don't know what brought the thought on. I know I would never harm myself, my kids, what would they do without me? I could never do that to them, so why am I thinking about this? I cry more and more just thinking about how bad I feel for even having these thoughts. What am I going to do? Well, I contacted my insurance, I am seeking the therapy Ineed, I am taking things slow, I am being honest with Chris about my feelings, I need to finally be okay this time. Thinking about killing myself has been the single most terrifying thought I have ever had. What is going on?! How did I let myself so low?  I tell you this because I am alone. I am lonely. I tell you this because I know maybe you're lonely too, maybe you've had your own thoughts, I tell you this because if I could have one person relate to me, and not feel alone, not feel like hurting themselves, that's good enough for me. WE are in this fight of life together, I am fighting with it, I am fighting to stay alive, I am fighting to be mentally healthy. I know I am not in this fight by myself, most days I feel like I am but I have my husband, maybe you don't have anyone, just know I feel you, and you're worth it. So there's your update. I haven't been writing because I've been dealing with a lot of personal shit. I am going to try to be better. I am going to try to write more. Just bare with me guys, Im trying. I want to take you on this journey with me. Being a mom of two, having mixed kids, dealing with depression, my new vegan lifestyle, working out, marriage, and whatever else I can think if, I want to take you with me, I am trying, so bare with me.